Introspection

“I need to clean the house “– I tell myself as I see a nice layer of dust on everything.  I walk by the living room – “I need to move the furniture around – move the energy around”; the energy is feeling stagnant.  I get this sense of my body hurting, my knees crying just at the thought of moving furniture around – it feels like such a chore.  I also find my days are blending into the next – this I sense is also because of the stagnant energy.  Not necessarily negative, but not positive either.

Then a thought goes through my mind – after I’ve given the house a thorough cleaning, it feels like magick…practical magick.  No not the movie, but my own practical magick.  What I visualize as I’m cleaning, picking up, organizing drawers on the spot and maybe moving the furniture around to get the energy circulating again.  I like that my spirituality flows from me into the house; feeds the house spirits.

In July of last year, I lost my beloved Kobi and still to this day I miss him terribly and I am so sorry that I didn’t hold him during his last breath.  It is my biggest regret.  I should have been there with him, but I’m a coward – I admit it – I’m a coward.  I just couldn’t – the pain was more than this mother could swallow.  Kobi and I had our own language, our own way of conversing.  His companionship was beyond measure.

My point is this…every time I would leave the house I would say good-bye to Kobi and asked him to keep the house safe from intruders – astral or human.  I would tell him I’d see him after a bit.  After Kobi transitioned into his spiritual life, I found myself at a loss because he wasn’t there for me to say good-bye to.  Days would go by and I find myself lost as I left the house.  I would stop at the door with my hand on the door knob and think – what?  Now what?  What am I to say?  There’s no one here – Kobi isn’t here to say good-bye to, no one to protect the house.  I felt so ill at ease.  Driving away I would feel the sense of loss.  Finally one day I heard it…the house spirits.  They didn’t leave when Kobi left.  If anything they’ve really stepped it up.

I took the time one day to stop and open my senses and asked them to come forward so that I may say hello.  I knew they were there when Kobi was around, I expect in the back of mind I’ve known that they are always with me. They’ve simply been waiting for an acknowledgement.  Now, as I leave the house, I say good-bye to the house spirits which have kindly kept me and my husband safe from astral or human intruders – those not welcomed.  Upon my return, I open the door shout a greeting – I’m home!  Thank you for keeping the house safe – I’m grateful.  They’ve saved my ass too many times to mention.  Just recently by saving the house from burning down.   Even then I questioned.  I asked my sister, do you think this is what happened?  Were the Spirits trying to get my attention and without hesitation she said yes.  Okay then.

As I officially started on my chosen Spiritual path, I thought of “me” again.  As a mystic I’m always making it hard.  Giving it too much thought.  Simple is always best.  Magick is simple.  It’s how I (should) live my life daily and nightly.  These days I find my Self lost more than I like. 

I’ve had two members of my family needing healing and I just don’t help.  I thought, what color is the candle I need – what should I ask – it was too much work.  I gave it too much thought and lost my Self in myself again.  So I didn’t do anything.  They’ve struggled with their health issues and yet I do nothing.  What is wrong with me?

I’m lost again.  What am I to do? 

The Lady is starting to bloom – She in all her glory.  I started a ritual last night and thought what do I want to do?  I found myself questioning then I say to myself, “No, don’t question.  Just do.”

I took a peek at the Goddess last night.  Opened the front door and there she was – beautiful and bright.  A cold Full Moon…The February Full Moon.

I’ve read some insight to this Full Moon and I will try to do what I am supposed to do.  Why do I feel stupid when I show my reverence or do magick?  Why am I not centered? 
Why must I always question – where is my courage?  Why am I afraid to walk in grace?  Why do I always recall the scary things?  I know that magick has a light and dark.  I’ve read a phrase “Careful what you call – you have to be ready to accept what you call.”  I’ve always called the light into my life.  I also know that the dark is attracted to the light and when you call upon the light, the dark also listens.

It’s time I step up my communication with the Lady and Lord – show them that I’m still here.  I still need them to continue showing me the way to what my goal needs to be.

Writing.  That’s what crosses my mind more often than anything. I’ve always wanted to start a blog.  I’ve read what some of the great authors/teachers/mentors blog about and I know I am in their league.  The fear of how will people react to what I write; their critique – I know how I criticize or applaud their writings.

In meditation I will see what falls into place.